originally 7/30/1999
As I waited at a stoplight I couldn't help but notice a Corvette ahead of me
in the other lane. When it turned green the expected happened. He quickly
accelerated to the speed limit and stayed there. Normally this wouldn't
matter to me, but somehow I needed to do an e-mail about these guys. By
"these guys" of course I mean 'vette drivers.

Admittedly, I have known few 'vette drivers. But it seems without exception
they believe they bought the car for its performance. I recall reading an
article about the "improved Corvette," it seems they shaved about a
half-second off its 0-60mph time. And some yo-yo they interviewed said he
bought one because now they were making a serious performance car.

This is a bad joke. These guys are usually the slowest on the road. Maybe
they think they're a one-car parade. Or maybe they don't want to beat an
expensive-to-maintain car into needing maintenance. Or maybe insurance rates
got through the roof with a speeding ticket. Or maybe they ride too rough to
be ridden hard. Or maybe they're too busy trying to watch everybody envy
them. Regardless, little old ladies in Cadillacs usually have to go around
them. They are rolling speed bumps.
But they insist they put a capital "P" in Performance.

I don't think so. I think they're about babes. No doubt about it, the cars
are babe magnets. You rarely see a Corvette with two guys in it. Its almost
always a couple. And we are not going to speculate about the two guys. I
knew a guy who could hardly buy a date. But if he asked "Want to take a ride
in my 'vette?" his success rate was phenomenal. He was so happy he bought a
couple more so he could impress the ladies with their choice. It didn't make
him any less of a butt-head though. If anything, it made him ego-centric and
cold-hearted.

But I can't help but wonder if some thrilled young woman ever said, "Five
point three seconds, I thought you were talking about the car." He, of
course, could respond in his best macho manner, "Baby, in a 'vette everything
is fast." Forgive me, I couldn't resist.

Why does this make me think of Bill Clinton? As I recall (I remember alot for
a guy going senile) Bill's favorite car is the '67 Mustang. I suppose his
favorite pick-up line was something like, "Want to ride a wild Mustang? I'll
let you play with my fuzzy dice." I'll bet he's got a convertible so he can
look at the stars before he falls asleep. Hey, he's a guy. Sorry, this is
really going too far. Too bad my backspace key isn't working.

And Bob Dole. You know this guy has owned Buicks all his life. He's just that
kind of guy. He's married and he's still not getting any. He pops a Viagra,
and asks the wife, "Uh, honey, you want to?" And she says, "I told you I have
a headache, does your taking a pill change that? You can only cast one vote
anyway." And he says "Darn, it stopped working." And she says "And I was
just getting in the mood. If I'm elected I'll appoint a commission to make it
faster acting and longer lasting." Bob knows he may as well stop buying
Viagra.

OK, that was demeaning. Alternate case scenario: Bob pops a Viagra, and one
hour later Liddy Dole is going, "oh baby, oh baby." Take your choice, which
one do you believe? I believe guys in Buicks still don't get any, that's why
they look so somber. They look like they're in their own funeral procession.
Guys in Dodge Darts, Ford Escorts, or Dodge Caravans don't get any either.
Not that you care. As a matter of fact, I do feel kind of surly.

Viagra. Women who thought they were finally past having to deal with "it"
are confronted by the nasty reality of a little pill. I imagine them wailing
and gnashing their teeth and converting to Catholicism. It has got to be the
greatest recruiting tool for nuns ever. The Pope moans, "Oy, I'm up to my
keister in nuns." "Keister" is Polish isn't it? Kind of like "Kielbasa" only
different.

Oh yeah, this was supposed to be about cars. Admittedly, Corvettes are pretty
cars, and I wouldn't mind owning one. But if I had the bucks to spring for
one I'd buy a Viper instead, or a Prowler. You know, something that would
really turn heads. Just cruise slow and enjoy it.

Its too late again. Good night all.

originally 7/22/99
Alright, forgive me for picking up on a morbid subject, or at least a tasteless
one. Which can only mean.....JFK Jr. I am not mad at the guy for dying,
actually, I'm not mad at him at all. But talk about your senseless, unnecessary
deaths.

I am not a pilot, and can only claim the interest of the fascinated bystander.
But even I know that if you don't have an instrument rating flying at night is
probably not a good idea unless conditions are near perfect. And what did this
guy do? He flew on a hazy, moonless night over water- where points of reference
are few to say the least. The only thing surprising about his last flight is
that it lasted as long as it did. Even military pilots find themselves in
strange attitudes at night, and they are well-trained to deal with the
environment. There was one red flag after another indicating that his flying
was not a good idea.

I chalk it up to classic Kennedy bravado or recklessness. Teddy at
Chappaquiddick (spelling?) was surely reckless. JFK Sr getting rammed by a
destroyer was reckless, hell it had to be. He was commanding a speedboat that
could do 70 mph and managed to get hit by a destroyer that could do 25. You
have to wonder what the Japanese captain was thinking, ramming a PT boat had to
be last on his list of possibilities. But at least JFK got to be a hero dealing
with the consequences of his decisions.
JFK Jr. didn't get that opportunity. Too bad for him. I can't say I ever knew
much about him. I try to avoid the Royal Kennedys as much as possible-
opportunity squandered is irritating. But since he died I've read a few things
about him and he seemed like one of the few born to priviledge who didn't act
Royal. Now I finally like him and he's dead. What's left of the Royal clan?
Drunken womanizer Teddy and his molesting nephews. Unfortunately they seem too
obsessed with fulfilling their vices to actually accomplish anything, like
learning how to fly.

Alright, there is Maria. She is a babe, but not a personable one. She is one
high-maintenance woman. Of course she is married to Arnold, a man with the good
sense not to hyphenate his name Schwarzenegger-Kennedy. Oh come on, you know a
lesser man might have considered it. But enough about the Kennedys.

The wife and I still aren't sure how it happened, but last night we hosted a
small slumber party. The two girls next door stayed overnight. Apparently, if
you want something to happen in this family, Ms. Pikachu is the person to talk to.
As part of the evening we went to McDonald's. Not my first choice, but I don't
make things happen.

At this particular Mickey D's there is a train engine with two cars for the kids
to sit on. They stand about 4 feet tall. During the course of savoring our
culinary delights Trainboy climbed up the side of the engine. Keep in mind its a
steam-train type engine so its basically cylindrical. Once he got to the top he
stood on the rounded surface, and tottering back and forth raised his hands over
his head and let out a cry of exultation.
Mommy and Daddy were surprised, fearful, and greatly humored. The last reaction
is not going to help him temper his adventurous behavior. Oh well, you
shouldn't suppress enthusiasm anyway.

If he was older I'd have to brand him reckless. But if he was older he'd
probably be willing to take more risks than I ever have. I admire my
two-year-old. The Wonderboy. I just hope he learns to discern the
difference between acceptable adventurous risk and recklessness. Lord knows,
its my heart he'll be gambling with.

So I cherish every day with the Trainboy. And I wish John Jr. had had the
sense to keep his feet on the ground when it was the right thing to do.

It's late, and I'm going to close.

originally 12/25/00
Our first Christmas letter. What to say, what to say? It has been a typical year- often mundane, like getting haircuts, and filling vehicles with gas. With an occasional horrifying episode, like getting the house re-shingled and repainted. Home ownership, is the ultimate horror story. But it is tempered by what goes on under the roof and between the walls.

MsPikachu is bright, beautiful, talented, and wonderful. TrainBoy is all boy, if it’s mechanical, he likes it. And he has the most pleasing personality- my Wonder Boy. TheWife is still a terrific nurse, and a wonderful mother. Yep, they’re all wonderful.

Therein lies the temptation with these letters- the temptation to gloat. So let’s just get it out of our systems, nothing like binging and purging to do a body good-
“We decided to summer in Europe this past year. We wanted to expose ourselves to different cultures to make us even better than we are. We visited Rome and were amazed at the art, architecture, and the poor plumbing. God bless America, and its plumbing! And speaking of God, the Pope saw us walking arm-in-arm and was so touched He asked us to visit him. Later, at our private audience, he was so moved by our love he proclaimed us both saints and held a special mass in our honor. It really was special, considering we aren’t Catholic. However, after the wife was finished witnessing her faith, I daresay, the Pope is now a Baptist.” Alright, enough of that. And just to be clear on this, neither one of us have ever been to Europe. But from what I hear, their plumbing really is terrible. They don’t need our money, they need Home Depot. There are other ways of being just as bad- like brutal honesty. But the wife thought my illustration was a little over the top, so I accept on faith that you know what I mean.

So, MsPikachu is in 3rd grade, and tested out at the 6th grade level. TrainBoy is such a joy I only hope he got some of his personality from me. TheWife, MsPikachu and I are all taking piano lessons. MsPikachu is gifted, and she gets it from her mother. My abilities are more in line with my humble attitude. And there you have it. When you write about the people you love, the writer’s pride can overwhelm his sensibilities, and the readers’. But I love them all and couldn’t be more proud. So shoot me.
on behalf of the clan

originally 06/20/2000
> Subject: Kids, and Me at my most pedantic
>
> At a recent babyshower I attended everyone was asked to give a tip on
> raising> children. Of course this got me to thinking- not necessarily a bad thing,
> but> not necessarily a good thing either, not for you. So here goes, Dale's
> tips> and etcetera for child rearing.
>
> 1. Always say "You can do it." A child will run into all kinds of
> obstacles-> naysaying peers, pessimistic teachers, and eventually butthead bosses (not
> implying all bosses are buttheads.) To run this gauntlet successfully
> your> child needs to know she can do it. Being able to say, "I can do this" is
> key> to success. It pleases me when I try to help one of my kids and they say
> "I> can do it," they are going to be self-confident and self-reliant.
>
> 2. Be willing to let your child fail. Nobody wins everytime so its
> important> not to be demoralized when the inevitable happens. Its important that
> children learn failure is an experience that may be humbling, but it is
> not> humiliating. No cries of outrage from mommy and daddy at the ball games.
> Follow the example of any cheerleader- cheer.
>
> 3. Whatever your child expresses an interest in, encourage it. Whether
> its> playing an instrument, painting, sports, fixing things, whatever, let them
> find out where their interests and talents meet. Its important in> deciding
> what to do for the rest of their lives. It also keeps them busy so you
> can> blow time doing what you want.
>
> 4. Turn the t.v. off. Yes, there's educational television programs, and
> sometimes you just need a break. But its important they experience things
> themselves and not just watch somebody else. For your child's sake, don't
> put> a tv in their bedroom, they'll thank you when they're grown-up, though
> they'll> moan and whine alot until then.
>
> 5. Read to them. Whereas tv is a brain-in-neutral experience, reading
> exercizes the mind. Idiots don't read, but they watch lots of tv. So if
> your> kid wants a book, if you can afford it, buy it. It shows them you value
> books. And of course, visit your local library, alot. You don't find
> many> idiots there either. I don't think I'm vain, and I hate to sound smug,
> but> when we moved here the first thing we got were our library cards. If your
> kids> see you read they'll want to too.
>
> 6. Spanking is probably not a good idea. Every kid will be rebellious,
> and> you will want to spank the orneriness out of them. This probably means
> you> are not disciplining them, you are beating them. There's a difference.
> If> spanking makes you want to cry more than your child, you're probably doing
> it> with a loving attitude. If not, you're probably so angry you're not
> really in> control, you're going to leave bruises and welts. That's abuse and its
> not a> good thing. A child knows when the line is crossed from discipline to
> abuse,> and all it teaches them when its crossed is that if you're bigger and mad
> you> really get to beat the hell out of someone. Occasionally, you will meet
> someone who will tell you their kids are so well behaved because they are
> spanked. Maybe so, but 9 times out of 10 the kids look like whipped dogs.
>
> Its better to have a happy child, so do something else for discipline- the
> most common is time-outs. If you need more ideas, visit a library, there
> are> whole shelves full of ideas.
>
> 7. Similar to 6- no yelling. If you're yelling you're not in control and
> that's still not a good thing. You know you'd tell your kid to count to
> ten> first, and keep counting till they get it under control. You really need
> to> show kids the behavior you want them to have, because they are going to
> copy> you. Like it or not. They look like us, they behave like us. God help
> us.
>
> 8. If your child grabs you by the finger- go. While what you are doing
> may> seem important to you- you can get back to it later. If a child wants to
> share a moment with you- that's pretty precious, and may not come again
> for a> long time if you refuse it. They often invite you to the 'golden moments,'
> only a fool would miss them.
>
> 9. Take no prisoners. Yes, I mean that in a good way. No matter what
> conflicts you have with your kids, it needs to end on a note of
> reconciliation. The only thing unconditional is not surrender, its love.
> As> a Christian, being forgiven you have to forgive- 70x7. If you actually
> count> you need to work on your attitude, don't get God mad, that's a bad thing.
>
>
> 10. OK, there's another unconditional thing- integrity. In a world where
> morality is pronounced passe for being judgmental, and a remnant of our
> Judeo-Christian guilt complex, there has to be a strong sense of right and
> wrong. You probably thought in 9 I was advocating being a doormat, not
> so.
> While you can often try to arrive at a compromise to make everybody happy,
> you> cannot yield on issues of right and wrong. And don't get clever and warp
> this> by distorting what is right and wrong. Take #5 to heart and read the
> Bible,> read a childrens' version to the kids.
>
> Well, that's 10, and enough is enough. Oh, just one more. Tell them you
> love> them. Its not enough that they are just supposed to know by your actions.
>
> Your actions can be nothing more than the fulfillment of duty, and
> everybody> needs to be loved and needed, so just haul off and tell them you love them
> every once-in-awhile. It won't hurt you, and after awhile you'll hardly> be
> able to hold back just for the joy of saying it.
>
> So how are my kids doing? Rachel is 8, she reads well beyond her grade
> level.> She is so happy, bright, artistic and self-confident I am torn between
> pride> and envy. 8-years-old, and she's already got the world by the tail.
>
> TrainBoy just turned 3. He wants me to play with him, and wants to help fix
> everything. He often walks around with a screwdriver or wrench trying to
> fix> things himself. As I headed downstairs Sunday he started to follow. I
> stopped and asked him if he wanted a lift, he nodded. I picked him up,
> and as> we headed downstairs he kissed me on the cheek. The best Father's Day
> present> ever.
>
> I love my kids. I am overwhelmed by the blessings God has showered on me.
>
> And a grateful heart is a happy heart. I heard that on "Veggietales."
>
> This has to be my most annoying e-mail ever. It's really not my style to
> dispense unsolicited advice. So I'm going to have to fess-up and tell you
> it's sister Mavis' and cousin Val's fault. Mavis convinced me to go to
> the> shower. Val's the one who made everybody stand up and give a
> child-rearing> tip, and got my mind to thinking. It's only because of them that this
> e-mail> happened.
>
> Well, there's a 12th one for you, so now you've got a dozen- Personal
> responsibility. It's kind of like #10, integrity, only it's different.
> You> could get a dictionary and look 'em up, that's #5 again, sort of. So
> alright,> it was my decision to go, stay, think, type, whatever. So sue me. I hope
> you're happy now.
>
> It is way to late, I've got to get some sleep. Baker's dozen! Get them on
> a> decent sleep schedule. No negotiating. Go to bed! A tired parent is a
> marginal parent. It's not marginal, it's butter! Yeah, way too tired, but
> it> could have been worse. I could have said "But sleep makes butter
> parents." > See? So be grateful for what you got, and be happy about it.
>
> My love to all (feel the joy?),
>
> Just one more? Pray with them. Even give thanks in a restaurant, because
> its> important that they not be embarassed to be seen in public with God. It
> will> make God happy. And that's a Good thing.