I'm new to blogging. I wrote this 2/3/03. A few old things will be posted as I find them. It won't hurt you a bit.

SHOOTING CATS

We've been having problems with the neighbor's cats.

I like to feed the birds. Even have a heater in the birdbath so they always have water. The birds like it in their bird-like way- lots of them come around to eat and sing. We get bluejays, cardinals, nuthatches, chickadees, woodpeckers, and way too many sparrows. Most birds travel in flocks, sparrows travel in mobs.

Unfortunately, the neighbor's cats like the birds too. It's one of those food chain things. But I don't care about the cats' needs, I just want to watch the birds. That's hard to do when a cat sits under the bird feeder. That may weed out the seriously stupid birds in a Darwinian kind of way, but it keeps the rest away.

I had complained of this to the wife, just to complain. She told me the cats keep the local mouse population down, so there's an upside. But that doesn't get my birds back. And actually I don't even mind the mice much.

Because one night, after we got the kids asleep, we were snuggling on the couch, watching idiot box with the lights down low. And suddenly out from nowhere scurried a little mouse. It stopped between us and the TV, sat up on it's back legs and looked at each of us as if he was introducing himself to his new neighbors. Then it brushed it's whiskers as if suddenly concerned it wasn't groomed properly for proper introductions. And it dashed away as suddenly as it arrived.

I never thought I could be charmed by a mouse, but charmed I was. The next day I bought some trap-and-release traps. When I caught it, and some of its kin, I released them down the block. Where they could charm the neighbors. But I digress.

Ms. Pikachu told me the name of one of the cats was Mei-Mei, the others are... something like Ting-a-Ling, and Poofy Snoofer. Say cute names like that around some people and they'll get wide-eyed and babble like a new parent. I didn't care. Give a terrorist a name and he's just a terrorist with a name.

I have chased the cats out of the yard. They obviously didn't take me too seriously, they almost sauntered out, and they were back right away. So fast it was insulting. It wouldn't surprise me if they laughed through their cat whiskers as they went over the fence.

I had contemplated the cat problem for a long time but couldn't come up with a solution. I have tried squirt guns. But distance is a bit of a problem. And a squirt gun in winter is a cold proposition anyway. Slingshots seemed a possibility, but the neighbors wouldn't appreciate any collateral damage. The same would be true of a bb-gun. What to do, what to do. No answer came. But motivation came, big time.


The wife took the trash out the other day. When I got home she angrily informed me the back yard was looking like a litter box. She said that we don't have pets in the back yard so we shouldn't have to deal with a problem like that. She had considered picking up the droppings and throwing them in the neighbor's back yard. Did I say she was angry? She told me the cats must die. Quite a change in attitude, but one I was comfortable with. Funny what a little cat poo can do.

So death was an option.

I considered poisoning the cats. But that wouldn't be nice, and I didn't want to offend my neighbor. I didn't want them dying under my porch one stinking mess at a time anyway. Nope, poisoning really wouldn't work. So if they got to retain their nine lives something else needed to be done. Something to keep them out.

I decided I needed to strike unholy terror in the hearts of the cats. Firearms were out of the question. None of the other options tripped my trigger, so I bought a paintball gun. Since there's no gunpowder involved I am assuming it's legal to shoot it within city limits. And I'm comfortable assuming that. To get it ready for each shot you have to pump it like a shotgun, chuk-chuk. Feels downright manly in a pump-action kind of way.

Then came the hardest part- the waiting. Words cannot express my joy at finally seeing one of the little fur-bearing terrorists in the back yard. Poofy Snoofer was sitting in the door of the garage. I loaded up, and opened the back door. The garage is not attached to the house, it's at the back of the yard. The cat looked at me across the distance with it's usual contempt then pretended to ignore me. Surely it knew from experience I was too far away to be a threat.

I shouldered the instrument of wrath, and it was then I discovered the design flaw, and it must be why it was so cheap- on clearance at Wal-Mart for $15.00. The paintball feeder is in the middle of the barrel on top. So you can't sight straight down the barrel. Aiming accurately is impossible. But there was no stopping now. I was unlocked and loaded.

Chuk-chuk, pop. And with amazing speed a little orange paintball exploded high and to the left. The cat looked at me with utter contempt, like it couldn't understand why it had to live outside while I could live in, but wasn't. I could have shouted "Birds!" but it wouldn't have made a difference. Besides, the trespasser wasn't due an explanation, just retribution.

Remember to compensate for the last shot, chuk-chuk, pop. Just above kitty's head. And Snoofer got the message. It ran for the fence- not close to it but across the yard. Then it ran the length of the fence- in my direction. It was so panicked that if there was anything above the cat in the food chain nearby the cat would have suffered its own Darwinian fate.

As it ran along the fence there was a steady chuk-chuk, pop. Snow sprayed around the cat. It ran faster. And I believe that if a cat could curse there would have been a lot of it. It scrambled over the fence with no dignity whatsoever and I laughed so hard I doubled over.

I haven't seen that cat in the back yard since. But there are more of them to teach. The wife saw another of them spray the van. She's angry again. She offered to put a turkey carcass out back to lure them in. I appreciated the thought, and always remember not to get her mad. Perhaps this summer when I have time off I'll stalk the wild cats. I have a lot of paintballs.

Wear bright colors and stay low.