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You might remember me mentioning the problems Iowa was having selecting a state quarter. At the time it was my impression that the Sullivans design was denied because they were human and either alive or dead, and therefore inadmissable. How wrong, how naive, how utterly embarrassing. How could this be? Where's the evidence? I got change.

There was a bright, shiny, new quarter, Abe Lincoln striding across Illinois with books under his arm. Another quarter was for Alabama and showed Helen Keller sitting in a chair with a book on her lap. Two new quarters, both showing a human. Surely there must be a reason those states got to use people and Iowa couldn't. Time to Google the US Mint.

http://www.usmint.gov/mint_programs/index.cfm?action=50_state_quarters_program.

Under 'Design Criteria' it says, "no head-and-shoulders portrait or bust of any person, living or dead, and no portrait of a living person may be included in the design." So you can have a person on the quarter, just not a bust. Perhaps this is to prevent confusion so children and foreigners don't think George Washington was a cross-dresser- that would be J Edgar Hoover.

Click on '50 State Quarters Program' and you get a US map. Drag the cursor over a state and you see it's quarter if already issued, or it's scheduled release date. Click on the quarter and you get an explanation of it and background on it's selection.

I know no art major, no art major is a friend of mine, I am no art major, but I look at the quarters and think, "A state full of talent and this is it?" Instead of Alabama's generic grandma in a chair with a book, how about just printing "Helen Keller" or "Alabama" in braille. It would be a coin even the blind could enjoy. That idea took all of about ten seconds, and I still think it's better than what they got.

While we're at it, instead of the paperboy on Illinois', how about just a log cabin and the legend "When this cabin's rockin' don't bother knockin.'" Alright, they can't all be winners, but if I hit .500 playing pro ball I'd be a rich legend. Since I don't play ball I am the Publicserf.

Bitch, bitch, bitch, you say. Well yes, that would be right. Just for a change of pace let me tell you which one my is favorite - Mississippi. Nice big magnolias, I find it pleasing. The worst? Give me a break, do some work yourself. It's a job only a masochist could love. Working for the gummint makes me a professional masochist, I can't do it for free.

One thing you learn when reading about the Mississippi quarter is that magnolias are not native to America. They were imported from Asia. It would seem that a lot we take as "natural" is not. The common plantain I pull up every evening and feed to the guinea pigs were brought over by the English, as were starlings.

People like to take a piece of home with them to make their surroundings seem more like a home, or just as a reminder of a vacation. How casually we commit environmental terrorism.

The next thing you know native species are choked out by new ones, lakes choked with new vegetation, readers choking from reading about it. I'm sick of this myself. I may as well get some sleep.

Publicserf