We went to a Cedar Rapids Kernels baseball game. They're the local minor league team. Don't ask what league or level, I neither know nor care. We arrived late, of course.

It was already the second inning and the locals were already losing. The visiting team, the Beloit Snappers, was at bat. I saw that name on their jerseys and thought, what were they thinking? Snappers? Is that the turtle? Were they once the Indians, but out of racial sensitivity renamed the team for a fish- the Red Snappers? Is their first love football, but they aren't big enough? Questions, questions, and it just distracts from the game. Focus, gotta focus. Are they a team of casual photographers? Are they zipper challenged? Stop it, stop it, make the voices go away.

A Snapper hit one deep. Maybe he... snapped it. He rounded first and headed for second. When he got there he slid. I would swear he was already going vertical when the throw came in. The ump called him out. He protested most strenuously. The ump could be glad such robbery cannot result in prosecution. Had they called the cops nobody but the victim would have seen a thing. Who, me? I was in the can with about 4,000 others. Such is the home field advantage- big cans.

Call me cynical, but it seemed to me the ump was just trying to keep the game reasonably close for the home crowd. Because it's a new stadium and you have to keep the crowd there so they'll keep buying. It would do no good if everybody left early during a blowout, the place needs to be paid for. There’s a lot to pay for. It even has a big-screen over center field where they run video of the game and crowd shots.

They run replays frequently. But they didn't run a replay of that, uh, questionable call. If it WAS a bad call, there was only one reason to replay it, and there were lots of reasons not too. An ump is kind of like a wife- make it mad, and you will so regret it. All you'll have left is your clothes. The ump put up with the Snapper’s tantrum like an indulgent mother. He just told him to go to his dugout and think about how his temper affected others, and stay there till it was time for supper, or something like that. I made that up. When I lie I’m honest, it’s policy.

The bad call was never significant to the game. All it cost was a double to the hitter, and much pop/beer and hot dog money from the crowd.

The only things you're allowed to bring into the stadium are your wallet and appetite. The Cheapwife informed me a can of pop is $2.75. Right there you knew that the game had better not go into extra innings or we'd risk starving and dehydration. I'd ask the owners if they'd ever heard of the Laffer curve, but they'd probably reply with their own question, "Ever heard of mortgage payments? Guess how much on a multi-million dollar facility, plus salaries and operating costs?" Even so, they'd get no more than sympathy from the Cheapwife. Sympathy is always free.

The game was almost incidental to the whole experience. If the pitcher isn’t winding up something is being played over the speakers. It seemed that at every changeover there was some contest or gimmick going on. They want you to enjoy the experience and bring every pop swilling, hotdog-scarfing kid you’ve got time and time again. They want to pay the place off early.

They had a contest to see which section could do the best chicken dance. Like I would participate in that. You think I’m gonna do the chicken dance? Not in this lifetime. I could barely conceal my scowl, and amusement. There was a line of exuberant women in front of us. They gave it all they had. Cindi Lauper was right- girls just wanna have fun. Of course, we won. Oh joy. Whoopee. Will they see me on ESPN?

Some fine young men came by and gave everyone in the section a coupon for Chick-Fil-A. Excuse me, why are you giving me this? “Because you’re in the section that won the chicken dance.” Well I’ll be plucked.

The wife returned with Trainboy. He’d wanted to go into one of the kids’ amusement ‘things.’ She informed one of the fine young men that she was a ticket holder for this section and had performed the chicken dance back at the kids’ area. She was regretfully informed that only those sitting in the section at the time of the contest got the coupons. Life is not fair, even if you participate. She got the joy of the dance, but she was plucked.

After the Kernels lost there was a fireworks display. The stadium is like a parabola that reflects all the noise. It hurt the ears. We had enough. We headed out and the grand finale started. We got out of there before the traffic jam could start.

Two for two. I’m batting a thousand this month for getting out before the traffic jams start.

Links-

Cedar Rapids Kernels
Beloit Snappers
Cyndi Lauper