Lunatic Confessions of a Neurotic Husband
In spiritual matters it is sometimes hard to distinguish between the truly spiritual and the rantings of an upset, insecure mind. Case in point, I’ve felt like I’ve been under spiritual attack for the past few days. And yet I have my doubts because, after all, what are the chances that I’m being spiritually attacked by some sarcastic demon with a voice like Gilbert Gottfried. If you’re unfamiliar with him, he’s the voice of the parrot in the Disney Aladdin movies.
At first it just started with a nagging doubt, a feeling of insecurity, then it steamrollered into obsession and paranoia. The internal conversation has gone like this:
“She doesn’t love you.”
Oh yes she does, I know she does.
“How so?”
She says so.
“How often does she say it?”
Not often, but it’s not her way to verbalize her feelings..
“Not her way? She talks non-stop if she can. The woman is a talking-machine. Remember when you were dating? She said she was attracted to you because you were a good listener. The woman can talk. She just doesn’t want to say it, because it’s not true.
The only reason she says it is because you told her to., You told her your feelings require it. So to get you off her back she says it and almost chokes on it. After all it’s okay to lie sometimes, even the Jews did it when their babies were threatened, so it can be justified. But she doesn’t like it. It’s just one more chore she has to put up with to soothe your delicate ego. She can only bring herself to say it when you say it. That way it’s as meaningless as any other social pleasantry “How are you?” “Fine.” That’s really heart-felt stuff. She hates you for making her lie.”
“She doesn’t love you- but she is grateful you gave her a way out of her parents’ house. You sprung her. You’ll always have a little gratitude for that. But when it comes down to it- she can hardly stand you. You’ve been one disappointment after another.”
I KNOW I HAVEN’T BEEN EVERYTHING I SHOULD, BUT I’VE TRIED. I’VE TRIEDTO BE A GOOD HUSBAND, AND A GOOD FATHER, BUT I’M NOT PERFECT, I’VE NEVER PRETENDED TO BE.
“First kiss- you were so incompetent she’s hardly kissed you since. You told her you needed more kissing practice. Has that happened? She can stand saying, “I love you” once in a while but kissing is just more frustration than she can bear. You’ve never done it right for her, you’ve never done any of it right for her, and she’s given up on you. She hates you for what she’s missing. That is one piano you are never going to learn to play.”
“But she was willing to give you another chance to get free of her folks. Then came your wedding night. That was a disaster worse than the kissing. You know, saving yourself for marriage is fine in theory but if nobody knows what they’re doing it’s no fun at all. It was supposed to be the most romantic night of her life and it was just a ruin. She’ll never forgive you for ruining her first time. Isn’t it ironic that the only way to please a woman is to have experience with other women first? You didn’t, so you can’t.
There are three things a woman wants from her man- she wants protection, prosperity, and lovin’ that rocks her world. You moved out of the old gang-neighborhood, so after 23 years you kind of got that one right, that’s worth a half. But the first paycheck of yours she saw was one of the great disappointments of her life. She thought she had the good life marrying you, and you couldn’t give it. The sex, well you know how bad that is. Sorry, but half out of three ain’t just bad, it’s terrible. A woman gives herself to a man who is worthy, you aren’t.”
That’s not really fair. She’s a spiritual woman and she’s suppressed her desire.
“Oh, please. Do you really believe that her Momma said the magic J-word and she went numb from the ears down? She’s full of desire. She desires things all right. She desires a new house, nice cars, romance, a good man. She just doesn’t desire you. You have no idea how many hours, over days, months, years, she has desired other men. She learns the tiniest details of their lives so she can feel like she knows them, so she can imagine she’s theirs, so she can imagine a life without you. It’s not that she doesn’t think about sex, or dream about sex, she does that a lot. She just doesn’t want you in it. When she does let you do the gross and dirty deed she has to think of them to do it because then she can imagine it isn’t disappointing, it’s romantic and passionate the way she always wanted it. She hates you for making her live a lie.
As if doing the dirty deed and lying to herself wasn’t bad enough, she feels like she’s committing adultery thinking of the other men. The Holy Wife shouldn’t have to resort to breaking one of the Ten Commandments to feel romantic, and she hates you for the spiritual suffering too.
You haven’t even slept in the same bed with her for how long? When you got her ear plugs you thought she was going to use them to sleep and you said that now your snoring wouldn’t be a problem and you could sleep with her again. And what’d she say? “I’m not wearing them at night, I’m wearing them during the day so I don’t hear the construction going on next door.”
That was a loving moment wasn’t it? She could have added, “Silly, I don’t care about the snoring. I miss you in bed. I’m yours, I love being with you, sleep with me.” She could have kissed you then, she could have kissed you since. Nope, didn’t even cross her mind. Actually, she was afraid you’d go through with sleeping with her. She complains plenty about your snoring, but she’s never complained about your absence in bed. Your not being there makes her happy. She doesn’t have to fear Disappointing You will reach over and touch her.
Do you doubt for a moment that if she was with hunky Scott Bakula she’d be pawing him everyday? Every day telling him how hunky he was, how blessed she was to be married to him. Do you think she’d go four months without sex and not even notice? After a week she’d grab him, say she was starving and demand to be fed. She’d ride him like a motor-cross bike. She’d make sure he was pleasured. She’d have an arm or leg on him every night to be comforted by his presence and to comfort him. And there you are, on the couch, and she’s happy with it. Are you so sure she loves you?
And don’t get me started on Tom Cruise. If she was married to him she’d bang him like a machine gun. She’d have him twice a DAY and be happy for it. She’d be in training for the Sexual Olympics. You’re never going to medal, you won’t even get an Honorable Mention ribbon. There you are, getting it once a month, twice if she feels grateful again, or thinks you’re starting to pout. She hates you for that too. Remember how you got even less before you told her getting some was the only way to stop your pouting. She only does it with you to keep you civil. You get more now, but it’s still so little the folks in the retirement homes get more than you. And now that she’s by family she doesn’t need your ears anymore.
There’s something to look forward to- one of these days old age will catch you and you won’t even be able to do it any more. You’ll die never having had a passionate night of love. Never having heard any request but, “Hurry up and get it over with.” And isn’t that just another way of saying, “I don’t want you”? Since you’re a funny fellow, on your deathbed ask, “What’s good sex like?” The nurses will laugh about that one for years.
That’s not entirely true. She’s even asked me to take time off work to do it.
“Oh yeah, that’s rich. The world is over-populating because too many people are taking too much vacation time. You really believe that? Don’t you think it’s just a little odd that in a world of people going at it like minks your wife can only get around to it once a month? Making you take leave to do it is just an easy way of limiting you. When was the last time she asked you to take time off for whoopee anyway?
That’s not true, sometimes we do it more often than that.
"Oh yeah, sometimes you do it TWICE in a month. That still gets you pity from all the senior citizens getting more than you. How many times has that happened anyway? It’s so rare if you marked them on a calendar you still couldn’t cover the legal holidays. And she DOES mark a calendar, because she has to remind herself to do you once a month so you don’t get pouty, and so if you ever whine that you aren’t getting enough she can say, “I just did you last month!” Doing you is a chore, just like saying, “I love you.” It’s just one more thing she has to get done to get it over with. You’re right up there with scrubbing the toilets. She hates you for the attention you need. She doesn’t love you, she doesn’t even respect you, at least a toilet is useful.”
Yes she does. She knows I can be handy around the house. I’ve put up light fixtures, put in electrical outlets, I’ve done a lot and she’s remarked about it.
“Oh please, she respects you? Remember when you did your little song and dance at the dinner table about confession making us feel better? That it wasn’t just confessing sins and feeling better ourselves for being forgiven? That it could also be confession of something good, and you could make somebody else feel good? So you went on about how proud you were of your kids, and they smiled. And you went on about what a wonderful wife you have, what a wonderful mother she is for them, and the kids smiled and rolled their eyes. And what was her response? Did she say anything nice about you in return? Did she even mention you? No. She raved about a guy at church who has a gift for ministering to waitresses and checkout girls. Made you feel pretty proud to be you didn’t it? Yeah, your kids noticed too.”
“You crave her like the next breath you need to say, “I love you,” and rave to everyone about what a wonderful, spiritual wife you have. Spiritual? In the, ahem, spiritual order of things, aren’t you supposed to be just below the Big Guy? What’s spiritual? The way she says “no” to everything you say? The way you crave her and she’s got you on a starvation ration?
Spiritual? Every time she looks at you she sees that crooked eye and she knows you’ve been smitten by Him. She knows you’re so evil he made you with a brain tumor already installed. She married a pariah and it drives her crazy. How did that happen? What did she do to deserve being burdened by you? Why did the Guy she prays to give her a husband she doesn’t want? Every day she kicks herself for being too eager to marry you. If she hadn’t been in such a rush maybe she would have heard Him say, No.” Now she’s stuck with you, and the only way she can hold you is in contempt. Staying married to you is just fulfilling her Biblical duty. It’s her sacrifice she hopes she’ll be rewarded for. Staying faithful to you is the only wifely duty she can live with.
Wouldn’t honoring you include taking care of your basic needs- like the one where the Big Guy says, “your desire will be for your husband”? Desire? The only time you’ve seen her aroused was when she was talking to your brother. That was something wasn’t it? It looked like two pencil erasers trying to get work under that t-shirt. But she can’t get aroused by you. Hey, there’s an out! Biblically that’s an out for her- she can say the Scripture says “a woman will desire her husband,” since she doesn’t desire you she can move on to somebody she does desire and that will be His Will. Funny how He always wants what she wants, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be even funnier if she got the hots for a guy named Will?
Face it, your opinions are worthless and your needs are unimportant. When was the last time she even complimented you on anything? When was the last time she took time to be affectionate? Forget sex, when was the last time you even snuggled? When was the last time you even got a hug? All her patients get back rubs, the only one you’ve gotten in years was from your son.
Speaking of kids, she always has the kids with her because she doesn’t want to be alone with you. She has time for every other living, breathing soul on the face of the earth, and a few others too, but no time for you. You’re the last on the list and she never gets down that far. Not that she’d really go down on you if she had the time to get there, that would be disgusting.
That’s not fair. She has a busy life, she has a lot of responsibilities. I’m an adult, and I can take care of myself.
“Well you’d better, because you ain’t getting any. Wasn’t that grand the other night when you were as horny as a teenager?. You felt like you could go all night and you knew it was useless to wake her up? That she’d just say “no” again? Didn’t it feel good to know she wouldn’t care? If she woke you up, would you turn her down? You’d want to make her happy, you just can’t resist her. But she can resist you, no problem. Not that you could say “no” anyway, because then it would be about her needs, and those are more important than your needs.”
It’s going to get better; she said so. Once we’re settled into the new place she’ll have more time for me.
“Oh yeah. Stop the presses! Tell Hugh Heffner! The world’s greatest aphrodisiac is a new house. A hooker would be cheaper and give you a better time. Twenty-three years of starvation and now you’re going to feast? Oh, please. Even you aren’t that gullible.
You’ve been in your new digs for a month. How many times have you even gotten to wash her back in the shower? How many times have you even gotten to shower with her? Face it, she doesn’t miss being with you. That will never change. It will always be something- the kids, her family, her church group, global warming, vacuuming, there will always be something more important than you that needs her time. The way she cleaned out the bedroom it’s fairly clear to even the blind that you’re being cut off. Are you satisfied with your sleeping on the couch? She is.
And how long do you think it will be after you finally get the old house fixed up and sold that she’ll decide that she’s got her dream house and all the kids she wants, so she only needs you for child support, and she throws your pathetic butt into the street?
If one of those wealthy surgeons she works with decides he could use a cute infidel for a bride, how long will it take her to look at the balance sheet and throw you over the side? She’ll even buy one of those cheapie divorce kits at Wal-Mart so she doesn’t waste any more money on you than she has to. She remembers they’re there; she’s thought about it. She’d get to move up to the big money and a chance to preach and convert a pagan too! Sounds like Divine Will to me! She could make the Big Guy happy. How could she resist? For a nurse, marrying a surgeon is moving up, and it can happen, she tells you about others that made the move. By the way Mr. “Is-Everybody-Happy?,” ever notice how nobody is trying to make YOU happy?
Remember when she said she’d be happy living in a shack as long as she was married to you? Well, times change. She’s used to a little more; she wants more. She likes money and you haven’t got enough, never have, never will. You can tell what people value by where they spend their time and money. You say she loves you, is there enough evidence for a jury to convict her of that? She looks innocent to me.”
Needless to say, this stuff has been grinding on me and I just feel beat. The upside is that it’s got me reading my Bible again and praying. It was so unexpected when, after I prayed the thought occurred to me, “Don’t starve, fast. Give up your wants and desires to the Lord God. Return to your first love.”
Maybe what that means is that God is jealous for my affection, my adoration, and the problem has been that I’ve had my priorities all wrong. Looking at my time, my money, and my words, I’ve loved the wife more than God, and perhaps He’s allowed this torment to let me know He doesn’t like it. He’s gotten my attention; we’ll see how it goes, only He knows. I’ll walk by faith.