Written 8/10/10
It was, I think, about five years ago that the brain tumor re-grew to where it affected my right eye. That was an affect so obvious that it was impossible to miss. That was the only problem I knew of, but it wasn’t the only one. I remember helping somebody at the office, and 10 minutes later he returned for something else. I didn’t recognize him, and I asked him to show me an ID. He was incredulous and insisted he’d just been there, but I would have sworn I’d never seen him before in my life. Steve, the guard, confirmed he’d just been there. And I seemed to have another problem.
After the last surgery the right eye was blind, and the other half-blind- big, obvious change. Work became a major struggle and it couldn’t be tied to vision problems. I had some testing done by a psychiatrist. The intelligence test wasn’t a problem, I still tested Mensa-smart for problem solving. However, and it was a big however, my memory was damaged. The tumor pressure that made my right eye point at my nose by damaging cranial nerves had also been damaging the nearby memory-controlling area too. Remembering new faces is now almost impossible for me. I can look at somebody, look away, and have no idea what the person looked like. It makes for awkward, uncomfortable moments, but humility is a good thing.
I slowly realized that the memory problem had actually been going on for years. I’d thought that I was so used to official rules that learning new ones was difficult- old dogs and all that. But I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. Gone was the ability to watch a training tape one time and have it down cold. I had to watch one 2-3 times to get anything. This is not conducive to job performance when there are dozens of rule and procedure changes per week. I hate to think how much grief I caused my kind bosses.
You might think, “Wow, that’s sad, even pathetic, but why are you sharing this misery?” Hopefully, I can tie things together.
At the heart of any sin is selfishness, and if we look at our lives we see a lot of it. What drives selfishness is vanity. Everybody is sure they deserve what they want, and that anybody who offends them deserves what they get. In my own experience, the vanity of self-righteousness is the hardest sin to deal with. It’s too easy to be angry and resentful after being hurt. I’ve always considered myself an incurable romantic. It drives me nuts that I haven’t even been kissed in over two years. That fact causes me to feel unwanted, unloved, and unneeded. To say the least, the rage has a bit of a pre-occupation for years.
In that self-righteous rage I had no idea how much I’d lost. I was a little too obsessed with internal monologues that ended with variations of, “You can’t treat me this way, I waited for you, I don’t deserve to be treated this way, someday you’re going to answer to God for this! You little goat!” See, rage, you could tell. Being unhappy 24/7, I’d quite forgotten I’d ever been happy. When I looked at my old blog and started reading, I could hardly believe I’d ever been so happy.
It’s never been a particularly warm and loving marriage, but the kids have been a joy. In my self-obsession I’d quite forgotten that. It’s hard to be self-righteous after the realization I’ve wasted years that should have been golden. In my selfishness I deprived myself. Had I not been so blind, I would have seen I was over-reacting. Had I kept writing I would have reviewed and remembered the good times and felt gratitude and love. Forgiveness would be easier.
Selfishness is a monster waste of time; it separates us from a loving relationship with God. God hardly needs to punish us; we cause enough pain to those around us and ourselves. Self-righteousness may be the hardest sin to give up, but forgiving ourselves is even harder.