originally 7/30/1999
As I waited at a stoplight I couldn't help but notice a Corvette ahead of me
in the other lane. When it turned green the expected happened. He quickly
accelerated to the speed limit and stayed there. Normally this wouldn't
matter to me, but somehow I needed to do an e-mail about these guys. By
"these guys" of course I mean 'vette drivers.

Admittedly, I have known few 'vette drivers. But it seems without exception
they believe they bought the car for its performance. I recall reading an
article about the "improved Corvette," it seems they shaved about a
half-second off its 0-60mph time. And some yo-yo they interviewed said he
bought one because now they were making a serious performance car.

This is a bad joke. These guys are usually the slowest on the road. Maybe
they think they're a one-car parade. Or maybe they don't want to beat an
expensive-to-maintain car into needing maintenance. Or maybe insurance rates
got through the roof with a speeding ticket. Or maybe they ride too rough to
be ridden hard. Or maybe they're too busy trying to watch everybody envy
them. Regardless, little old ladies in Cadillacs usually have to go around
them. They are rolling speed bumps.
But they insist they put a capital "P" in Performance.

I don't think so. I think they're about babes. No doubt about it, the cars
are babe magnets. You rarely see a Corvette with two guys in it. Its almost
always a couple. And we are not going to speculate about the two guys. I
knew a guy who could hardly buy a date. But if he asked "Want to take a ride
in my 'vette?" his success rate was phenomenal. He was so happy he bought a
couple more so he could impress the ladies with their choice. It didn't make
him any less of a butt-head though. If anything, it made him ego-centric and
cold-hearted.

But I can't help but wonder if some thrilled young woman ever said, "Five
point three seconds, I thought you were talking about the car." He, of
course, could respond in his best macho manner, "Baby, in a 'vette everything
is fast." Forgive me, I couldn't resist.

Why does this make me think of Bill Clinton? As I recall (I remember alot for
a guy going senile) Bill's favorite car is the '67 Mustang. I suppose his
favorite pick-up line was something like, "Want to ride a wild Mustang? I'll
let you play with my fuzzy dice." I'll bet he's got a convertible so he can
look at the stars before he falls asleep. Hey, he's a guy. Sorry, this is
really going too far. Too bad my backspace key isn't working.

And Bob Dole. You know this guy has owned Buicks all his life. He's just that
kind of guy. He's married and he's still not getting any. He pops a Viagra,
and asks the wife, "Uh, honey, you want to?" And she says, "I told you I have
a headache, does your taking a pill change that? You can only cast one vote
anyway." And he says "Darn, it stopped working." And she says "And I was
just getting in the mood. If I'm elected I'll appoint a commission to make it
faster acting and longer lasting." Bob knows he may as well stop buying
Viagra.

OK, that was demeaning. Alternate case scenario: Bob pops a Viagra, and one
hour later Liddy Dole is going, "oh baby, oh baby." Take your choice, which
one do you believe? I believe guys in Buicks still don't get any, that's why
they look so somber. They look like they're in their own funeral procession.
Guys in Dodge Darts, Ford Escorts, or Dodge Caravans don't get any either.
Not that you care. As a matter of fact, I do feel kind of surly.

Viagra. Women who thought they were finally past having to deal with "it"
are confronted by the nasty reality of a little pill. I imagine them wailing
and gnashing their teeth and converting to Catholicism. It has got to be the
greatest recruiting tool for nuns ever. The Pope moans, "Oy, I'm up to my
keister in nuns." "Keister" is Polish isn't it? Kind of like "Kielbasa" only
different.

Oh yeah, this was supposed to be about cars. Admittedly, Corvettes are pretty
cars, and I wouldn't mind owning one. But if I had the bucks to spring for
one I'd buy a Viper instead, or a Prowler. You know, something that would
really turn heads. Just cruise slow and enjoy it.

Its too late again. Good night all.