I haven’t posted in… way too long. There are reasons, but it’s already been so long I’ve forgotten most of them. Such is life, or just getting older. What hasn’t helped is trying to decide how to cover lost ground. Because I want to is why. When I obsess I really obsess.

So I’ve decided to just write something, leave it for the day, then move it to where it should have been posted. Eventually things should kind of fill up. That’s not important to you, and I don’t blame you for not caring. After all, it’s my neurosis, not yours.

I was tired Sunday morning. It was one of those mornings where you just want to stay in bed and sleep. It would be just one Sunday, and God has forgiven bigger things.
God would forgive me, but Superwife, the Holywife, would not. So I arose, it was a poor imitation of the Big One. It’s unlikely that on His resurrection he mumbled “Five more minutes?” but at least I was awake.

Get dressed in something presentable. Brush teeth. Comb hair that’s getting so thin it hardly seems worth the bother. But I do. Then we all pile in the van and away we go at speeds that can get you in trouble. The kids keep an eye peeled for hug-bugs, I keep an eye peeled for the local boys in blue. May I digress? Thank you, I’ll try to keep it short.

People race all kinds of crap. There are car races, bicycle races, motorcycle races, pickup races. Nearly every kind of conveyance built by man is raced. But, to my knowledge, not vans. Why not? Anybody who thinks you can’t race a van hasn’t ridden in one with my wife at the wheel on a Sunday morning. It’s almost a religious experience. Many times I’ve thought I was about to meet God. But He’s always waiting for us at church, so it’s always one more week of grace.

Anyway, back to church. And thanks for indulging me.

Admittedly, I haven’t been getting a lot out of church lately. With my double vision, there are two pastors, it messes with my synching lip movement to the sounds, therefore it can be hard to pay attention. Maybe, if I close my eyes and just focus on the voice it will be more clear. Focus, focus, but it’s not much better. If feels better though. So tired, it feels better. Relax and focus. It feels better….. Nudge.

Uh oh. A nudge can only mean one thing. I was sleeping. A quick peek at the wife- she’s smiling. Then look beyond her at Ms. Pikachu, she’s obviously suppressing a laugh. Hmmm, this can’t be good. I scribble on the bulletin, ‘Did I snore?’ The wife nods and writes, ‘But it wasn’t very loud.’ Uh huh, yeah, right.

It’s all my fault, of course. There’s an Air Force unit with the motto, ‘Anytime, Anywhere.’ They train to have that capability to drop bombs. I developed that capability to sleep. It’s a skill with no value to anyone but myself.

In contrast to a skill which is largely learned, there is the gift which is just there. My most noticeable gift is snoring. It comes from both sides of the family, you could almost say I was bred to snore. It takes little effort to sleep, it takes no effort to snore. It’s like walking around and getting fleas and the plague. Or something like that.

Crap, I can’t believe I fell asleep in church. Gotta know how big my faux paus was. Keep the head down and look around. Can’t be more than…. Thirty, may forty people who could have heard me. Not one of them seems to be looking at me, not one of them is smiling or sneering, or exhibiting any sign of annoyance. All of them are focused on the pastor, none of them are sleeping. Forget judges, the new standard is ‘Sober as a Baptist on Sunday morning.’

My few-seconds nap has me feeling positively high-res. Too bad there’s no way to gauge sleep efficiency. That little snooze would have rated high marks indeed. It’s one junk sport that would never get coverage on ESPN though, too bad. It’s as exciting as lumberjacking and has even less overhead. Hey, run them both at the same time and call it Sawing Wood Squared. Maybe not. Oh well.

After church the drive home is uneventful. No fear. No adrenaline rush. That is not to say it was slow. It never is. The Superwife drives to win. Everybody will be passed, just not as quickly.

We stop at HyVee to eat. Everybody gets Chinese except me. I get meatloaf- a freak in my own family. Not that I’m complaining. Everybody tolerates me pretty well. The Supernurse goes off to work. Ms Pikachu is doing computer drawings. Trainboy and I watch Cartoon Network. We laugh at 'Ed, Edd and Eddie' for a while. Then it’s just him watching. I fell asleep and took a nap.


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